


No Homo

by WhyArentIBlessd



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Daves Gay, Family Shenanigans, Humor, It's funny! Just read it!, M/M, Shenanigans, Strilonde, Strilondes, Trust me!, Would I Lie to You?, but won't admit it to himself, probably, read it anyways!, striders, yet his whole family already knows it and teases him constantly for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2014-07-13
Packaged: 2018-02-08 14:58:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1945503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyArentIBlessd/pseuds/WhyArentIBlessd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave's family won't accept that he's straight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Homo

“And how does that make you feel?”

“Are we really going to do this **now**?” Dave looked up from his cereal bowl in disgust, lip curling as he set down his spoon carefully. “I’m **eating** , Rose.”

“We need to address the issue of the frequency of your laundry loads at **some** point,” Rose said calmly, sipping her tea. “The water bill is getting out of hand.”

“That’s not the **only** thing that’s getting ‘out of hand’, right Dave?” Roxy chuckled, cleaning up the giggle that poured from her lipstick stained mouth with the hand not occupied by her suspicious coffee mug. In contrast to her sister’s delicate china, it was thick, heavy porcelain and she had quite obviously slipped something into it when Rose and Dirk weren’t looking; Dave had noticed but said nothing. She winked when he shot her a vicious glare, sipping from her mug again with a waggle of perfectly-waxed eyebrows, and she nudged Rose lightly with her elbow. “He knows what I mean. Did ya **see** that face?”

“Lay off him, Rox’.” Dirk took a glass down from the cupboard and made a show of pouring it full of milk, the sound echoing off the tile in the kitchen. “He had a **long** night in the laundry room last night, y’know. Those sheets of his are hand wash only.” He set the glass down, ruffling Dave’s hair, and took his own seat across the table. “And it’s not like you or Rose hasn’t done a load of shame once or twice before, even if you **are** chicks.”

“Finally,” Dave scowled, shooting Roxy and Rose a sharp look as he reached for the glass. “ **someone’s** on my-“ Dave pulled his hand back and glared at the bright blue penis-shaped cup sitting in front of him. He stared at the two and gave each of their smug looks a dead-eyed stare from behind his sunglasses. “I came down here to eat my fucking cereal and I feel **so** attacked right now.”

“Well, you **are** eating Fruit Loops.” Rose smirked.

Roxy cackled. “ **Feel** the rainbow!”

“ **Taste** the rainbow.” Dirk smirked.

“Roxy, Dirk,” Rose sighed, “while I **do** appreciate the appropriateness and well-timed use of that innuendo, I do believe that is the **Skittles** slogan.”

Dirk spun on Dave quickly, chuckling. “Hey, Dave, do **you** like Skittles as much as you like Fruit Loops?”

“Oh my gosh!” Roxy jumped up and down in her seat, hand waving in the air excitedly. “Guys, guys, guys!” I saw him eatin’ Skittles before **bed** last night! That explains **everything**!”

“Hm, that **is** curious.” Rose tapped her fingers on the china cup thoughtfully, staring at Dave but not seeming to see his angry expression. “Perhaps your preference for rainbow-themed foods and phallic memorabilia is some sort of ploy formed in the dark corners of your subconscious mind.”

“My **what**?” Dave shot her a hard look, frowning, and he leaned heavily on the table. “Rose, speak **English**.”

“In cases such as these, most therapists would describe what you are doing to yourself as ‘cognitive dissonance’.” She said calmly, “Due to the stress you are putting yourself under, you are causing yourself increasing stress and injury. Unless you come to a realization that you either **are** , in fact, a **raging** , prankster-loving homosexual, or that you’re not such a thing, you can only cause your psyche more damage. And from a dysfunctional psyche stems thoughts of suicide, self harm, depression, and risky behaviours such as unprotected sex and substance abuse.”

“So basically come out or you’re fucked.” Dirk chimed in helpfully. “By someone other than John.”

“Dave hasn’t come out yet?” Bro, leaning around the doorframe, frowned at the quartet and shook his head. His eyebrows rose. “Whoa.”

“Bro!”

“I thought I taught you better than that.” Bro turned to look at Dave, missing the smug smiles of the three other siblings.

“Bro!”

“Striders are supposed to be fearless, dude.”

“BRO!”

“Don’t you ‘Bro’ me, little man,” Crossing the room to put a hand on Dave’s hunched shoulder, Bro said, “it’s time for you to get out of that closet and strut your man-boner on the rainbow-coloured catwalk!”

“BRO!”

“Collect your Oscar for ‘most fuckable ass’ and display that plush Strider rump in a museum for the whole gay-munity to admire on their hot, steamy ride to Boner City!”

Dave choked, face dark, and smacked his forehead. “…Bro.”

“Next stop, Gaybert at Strider Central.”

“Bro…” Dave’s voice cracked as he put his head down beside his cereal in defeat. “Bro, stop…”

“Make sure to take the back road for the best view.” Rose’s voice summoned a horrific silence and her brother slowly raised his face to look at her as if she’d betrayed him. A moment passed, empty, and suddenly Dave’s family was rolling and losing their minds.

He slammed his hands down on the table and stood up. “I’m done. I’m **so** done. I’m leaving.”

“Where are you going?” Dirk managed, rubbing Roxy’s back as she was reduced to giggles and tears.

“Doesn’t matter.” Dave snapped, dumping his cereal and dropping the bowl in the sink carelessly.

“To John’s?” Roxy pressed, and Dave spun around angrily, hands fisted at his sides.

“Fuck you!”

Dirk grinned at him. “I would, but that’s John’s job-“ “BRO!” “-and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna wanna get **that** pay check.” He waited for Dave to reply, but Dave just looked furious and turned away, hurrying to the door and stuffing his feet into a pair of shoes. he refused to give Dirk the satisfaction of another response.

“Yo” Bro followed him and fished his wallet out of his back pocket, catching Dave’s attention again. “you’ll need some for later. Hold up.” Dave sighed reluctantly as he watched his brother spread open the wide pocket of his wallet, but didn’t protest. it was actually kinda’ cool of him to offer Dave a little extra money for once.

“Thanks, Bro,” Dave said more calmly, holding out his hand for the assumed gift of cash. “this is… I **guess** I can forgive you for- ACK!” He pulled back, tipping his hand to let the condom in the rainbow wrapper fall off his palm like it had burned him, and it hit the floor. He glared at Bro and left, slamming the door harshly without another word.

He didn’t deserve a ‘BRO’ anymore. He kept his anger hot in his stomach, but the nagging idea of not having one and missing out made him pause. He would sooner set his turntables on fire than be homo for **any** guy, least of all John Egbert, but they might need it… for a prank or something.

Carefully opening the door, Dave stepped inside and left it open, but he turned around to see his family leaning in from the kitchen. He paused, silent, but nobody said a word so he kept the eye contact and bent over for the condom. His siblings remained silent, and so did Bro, and Dave tried not to look homo or guilty as he slipped it into his back pocket and walked back out. What were they gonna do? Condoms were good for pranks and stuff.

As the door clicked closed and Dave left, Bro put an arm around Dirk and Roxy and piped up.

“They grow up so fast.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this! Your kudos, bookmarks, and reviews mean the world to both of us!
> 
> If you liked this fic it'd be great if you read our other collab fic "Outtatime". It's far from finished but it's kinda our masterpiece so I just thought i'd throw that up here~


End file.
